it has been a year since my grandma passed away.
went for the religious ceremony today.
a year has gone by.
time passes so fast.
In just one (short/long) year,
many big events had happened in my life,
grandma left us.
A levels completed.
started working for the first time in my life.
received my A level results.
registered for university.
and now, waiting for results.
very often, i was wondering if grandma was proud of my results.
i know that she had high expectations of me.
and during A levels i really wanted to well just for her.
I want her to continue being proud of me.
i can still remember the times whenever she asked me to study hard,
so that i will have a bright future ahead,
and be filial to my parents.
i can still remember the smile on her face,
whenever mommy tells her about the scholarships or any recognitions i achieved in school.
it gave me even more motivation to work hard.
i love her.
i want to do what she says and her to be proud of me.
sometimes i feel despair.
and i hate to admit it,
but i have not done my best for this A levels.
it could had been better.
and i strongly believe that grandma is up in heaven blessing me,
giving me the strength to carry on,
giving me the luck to succeed.
i am really lucky to have achieved such results.
throughout the ritual today,
i was thinking how is grandma now?
is she happy?
i hope she is and i want her to be.
Lets just hope that there will not be anymore disputes.
things starts to get peaceful.
and everything will be fine.
and grandma's worries will be put to rest.
*wishful thinking on my part*
tears were swallowed.
i don't want to cry.
it has been a year.
and i should have let go of things.
at least let go of the sad things.
during the ritual,
i told myself, "no, i must not cry."
Forcefully, i swallowed my tears thinking that grandma wouldn't want to see me cry.
yet, when i am alone at home, my eyes flooded with tears once again.
images happy or sad started flowing back.
happy images will be followed by a sad thought.
the thought that the happy moments can never happen ever again.
call me pessimistic if you want.
i am trying already.
sometimes i can do it - be strong and face it bravely.
but sometimes i just cannot.
grandma was the one who brought me up.
she played such a huge role in my life.
her taught me the right things,
bought me up under the good influence,
good upbringing.
i would not have been what i am if not for her.
sometimes i feel that its really unfair,
she has given me so much but what have i given her.
i feel that i have not done enough to repay her.
i don't even have the chance to repay her.
i hate bidding farewell,
i hate goodbyes,
especially goodbyes that are forever.
i mean who doesn't?
i know i am not the only one.
and i know i am also not the only one trying to cope with my grandma's death.
things will get better.
as the saying goes - time will heal it all.
its a matter of whether it is a long or a short time.
grandma will be happy.
she is happy.
and i know she wants me to be happy too.
i am happy.
