where is the new year mood? emo ):

i think this is an extremely pessimistic post.

don't read if you are happy now.

i don't wanna spoilt your mood.

i am in my not so happy mood once again.
haiz. i seriously do not know why am i rather anti chinese new year this year.
i do not quite feel any excitement in the upcoming chinese new year.
it seems as though things have changed.
its no longer like what it used to be like.
i guess no one can understand how i feel.
the part about me losing somebody so important to me hurts.
it has always been her that brings up the chinese new year festive mood.
it was always her house that we visited very chinese new year.
and it was always her that we fetched to the temple every year on the second day of chinese new year.
it was always my brother and i that helped to "bao" her chinese new year ang baos.
all our steamboat gatherings at her house.
all the flowers that she would help my mom purchase from the market,
all the nice golden coin bak kwas she specially bought from the market,
all the huat cai fish that she would specially order for us,
that can only be collected on the second day of chinese new year.
and the awful drinking longan red dates drink that she cooked on the first day of chinese new year.
but now no matter how awful it taste, no matter how much i hate red dates,
i would love to have a chance to taste it again.

all the ang baos that she will give us.
she would always give us at least two ang baos.
one at her house and the other at my house.

and she will always give andrew two ang baos each time,

cause he is the eldest grandson.
all the times, i wished her happy chinese new year and wished her good health in hokkien,
while she exchanged oranges with me,
wishing me all the best in my studies,
asking me to study hard and be a good person.

this year chinese new year is very different.
no more going to her house.
no more huat cai fish.
no more golden coin bak kwa.
no more bad tasting longan red dates tea.

no more steamboat at her house.

no more ang baos.

no more hokkien new year wishes.

i feel so weird in this kinda new chinese new year environment.

just give me some time to adapt.

things will get better eventually.

probably in a years time, i will be fine.

at least for this new year, i won't be feeling that happy.

its really not easy.

may she be living happily in heaven.

i send her my hokkien blessings.

i love you

and i miss you alot, my dearest ah ma.

i hate it when i wake up in the morning,

knowing that i did dream of her yet i can't remember my dreams.

i hate myself for not remembering my dreams.

sometimes, i would rather live in my dreams.

cause all i can remember of is that i am happy and she is happy there too.